My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
When you’ve simply given up.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns