Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Botany good plants lately?

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.