My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
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That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*