My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
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Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Inside you there are two wolves
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Noah