Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.