Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

I Can’t Tonight…

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children