My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
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Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
is there nothing we can trust anymore
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.