Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

💀😭

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.