My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
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ugh not again
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Finally! 😈
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van