My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
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Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy