My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling