Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.