Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks