Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

(2022)

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.