Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.