Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“