@Lhlodder

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

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@TweetsByKaylee

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

@_ElvishPresley_

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

@Elizasoul80

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

@Xoolun

Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.

@Divergentmama

Me: [unsure about my hair]

Hairdresser: So, what do you think?

Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!

@Brocklesnitch

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

@iwearaonesie

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

@MsKitty101

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.