jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.
Me: [unsure about my hair]
Hairdresser: So, what do you think?
Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.