My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
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Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]