My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch