Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.