Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

I want what they have

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Friday

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision