Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

waiting for halloween be like:

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

out-housing market appears to be strong

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

That’s it.I’m out.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.