Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.