Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.