my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
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Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
A dad and his duck
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man