Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here