My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House