My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.