My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
You Might Also Like
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
couldn’t resist
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right