My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Good Morning.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
TWEET CALL
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me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC