My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Lucky old June.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.