My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”