Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.