My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
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Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Only a mother’s love …
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me