My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
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Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
wtf management?!
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad