My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
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Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
good morning
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
you have three unread messages
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there