My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

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Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.


It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.


Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did


“What should we name this fruit?”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”


Cop: You know your license’s expired?
Me: Didnt even know it was sick.
Cop: Haha!
Cop: Hehe..
Me: Eheh..
Cop: Step out of the car.


No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.


Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.

Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.

Me: *claps* Star!

Him: I hate Twitter.

Me: *belch* blocked.


I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume


Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.


I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party