My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
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“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Cannot stop laughing at this
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.