Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

kitchen magnet

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

Monica just destroyed the internet