Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Worst Native American name ever.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.