My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
You Might Also Like
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
