My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
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What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a