My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Whoops
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal