My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
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Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years