My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.