Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

Guilty! 🤪

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.