My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
