My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?