Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))