My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
You Might Also Like
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.