My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Every
Single
Year
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”