Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

handsome & gretel

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!