My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
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If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
The “baby” on the left….
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.