My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
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“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.