Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up