Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

this is the kind of friend i am

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something