My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.