My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
