Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

But that’s none of my business

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.