My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Don’t use snow tires in the summer. They melt.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
c’mon!
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Just had my nails done!
