My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Rare photo of two submarines racing
😂😂😂
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
