My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
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[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me