My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.