Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!