My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
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What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Cats are still liquid.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.