my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
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Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Sponch
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.