Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”