Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

6. me as a lawyer

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.