my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
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[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely