My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Extremely relatable.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I think this might be relevant today.
