Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Me sliding into hell like

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

Think I pulled my liver

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless