My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
who did the taste test?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that