Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Here’s a meme

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

🙂🙃🥹

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce