My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard