My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
You Might Also Like
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Where’s my employee discount too?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Just why bro?!
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”