My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
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*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
…żyje?
