My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
