My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
What a chick magnet..
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
