My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
