My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
RT if you could go either way.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
When someone trying to leave me
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.