My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story