My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Bro what is this
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Remember folks 😂
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.