My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
You Might Also Like
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
This is the one
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside