Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

I love texting my boyfriend

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”